A dog's life!

This morning we had to take our dog, Merlin to the vet due to a sore hind leg which had progressed to a significant limp over a few weeks. Now Merlin hates going to the vet, in fact Merlin hates going in the car  despite the fact that most of the journeys he makes in it are positive ones, he always reverts back to the trip to the vet or the dog kennels where he stays while we are away. 
Forget the trips to the beach or drives to a big park where he can run and play, his sole focus in the car is escaping from the awful thing that 'might' happen. 

While we were waiting to go in a man arrived with a very tiny chiwawa puppy that had been rescued after being left for dead after being burnt in a terrible accident. The pup was so small it fitted into the palm of my hand but despite her size she was very feisty. Merlin took a sniff and when she yapped at him he ran away in fright refusing to return for a more lengthy meet and greet. We all laughed at his cowardice but when I returned home I started thinking about Merlin's reactions to the mornings proceedings; he like us, often chooses to only remember the negative things about situations rather than being open to a surprise or a confirmation that something positive is going to happen. Just like him we run away from something new even when it is so small it can't possibly do us any harm. His decision to hide behind Stephen rather than investigate further mirrors our response to the 'new' things in life we weren't expecting. We tell others 'it was such a shock', 'it will take time to get used to' or 'I'll never get the hang of it' rather than seeing an opportunity for growth or a new perspective. 
Just because the car ride does sometimes mean something unpleasant doesn't mean it always does. Why waste the energy fretting, sighing and crying before you are sure. Merlin got himself so flustered that when he didn't have to have any injections and it all ended with a treat he looked totally amazed. All that panic (slobber, whining, scratched legs and very loud car ride) for nothing. 
Don't be like Merlin embrace the day even if it contains an unknown quantity, for the unknown may just turn out to be the pleasant surprise we weren't expecting.

Perfect Peace

Profound stillness, peace that passes all understanding, calm in the midst of a storm, these are the times that the still small voice of God resonates within. It doesn't need to be quiet around us as it is rare that at the time we need this peace that our lives are calm but we do need to make the choice to shut our eyes and take a moment to dwell in peace. 
Just as a child who has spent the day madly running around suddenly feels the urge to climb up in your lap and rest a while, so too we need to find God's lap and drink in of his reassurance and peace. 
In a time when I should be able to rest I am faced with seemingly almost no spare time. Even though I am on 'holidays' unfinished work beckons, much neglected house work that cannot wait another term and unfinished projects I've been promising myself I would finish all confront my so called 'holiday'. Nevertheless this morning I choose to make time to sit a spell and just be. It will still be there once I am at rest, the time out will not consume my day but it will make the day ahead bearable, more manageable and less frenetic. 
Peace is not found in navel gazing or an enforced sense of order but in the choice to view my world through God's eyes; seeing myself, my roles in life as He sees it. Knowing I am more than what I do! First and foremost I am a child of God, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend; my role as a teacher needs to submit to these rather than the other way round. Only then will I find true peace.
God's way is not meant to complicate our lives with ritual but bring order out of chaos, peace out of turmoil, satisfaction out of frustration. In the past ignoring what I needed to do in order to try to relax during my time off has resulted in a restless, forced peace which is not peace at all. 
Today I will determine to allow God's peace to consume me, infiltrate my being and bring that stillness from the 'Prince of Peace' that I so badly need. I've thrown away my schedule but kept my list, ticking off as I go along the things I have to do, however on that list are peaceful pursuits, pleasant activities, exercise and 'retail therapy' and not only the 'tasks' that need doing.

Restoring order to my work life

As some of you might know I have a condition called Bipolar disorder. There are a few different types but I have the one where the Depressive and Manic states change quite rapidly and do not come in long cycles. This is a blessing in some ways but it also creates problems because people do not understand why my mood can switch so often and so rapidly.

It has taken a long time just to come to terms with this condition and for those of you who are Christians I have come to see it as a medical condition just like diabetes or heart problems. I believe God wants to heal me but in the meantime I will take medication and do all I can to understand and learn to cope with what can be very debilitating at times.

I was only correctly diagnosed at around 40 years of age but knew something was very wrong from about 35. It has taken until now to look more deeply into the intricacies of the disorder and begin to work out ways in which to deal with the associated issues rather than just the condition itself.

It takes time to come to an acceptance of this as part of me (No I'm not claiming it as mine) and it will take more time to work out ways to buffer the affects it has on my life. My life at home is aided by an amazing husband and family to such an extent that I don't even think about it most of the time. Work however is a completely different story.

Any mental illness is aggravated by stress and being a teacher this tends to come with the job. Now I don't mean the worrying kind of stress but stresses of deadlines, long hours, being very organised, student behaviour issues, never ending paperwork and generally not being able to keep up with the every growing demands. Teaching has changed dramatically since I started almost ten years ago, it has become less flexible, paperwork crazy and the expectations are at times just down right impossible to meet. Add to that my own expectations of what I want my classes to look like and how I want to teach and it makes for a very complex and emotional roller-coaster.

Some of you may say, "find yourself another job" and believe me I have thought of that but I don't want to do a job that is not meaningful, doesn't challenge me or use the giftings and talents I know God has given me. I know I am where God wants me to be for the moment so I need to begin to work out ways in which I can work efficiently alongside the challenges Bipolar disorder throws at me. 

As a child I was always forgetful and began using lists to organise my thoughts and responsibilities in order to be efficient. I still use lists but am finding that it is not that simple when you are bombarded with a multitude of paperwork and marking, not to mention phone calls home, reporting, professional development .........

Anxiety, a feeling of hopelessness when dealing with so much paperwork, exhaustion, working far too many hours (at least ten a day at work, plus two hours at home a night and five hours on the weekend) means my thoughts are often cluttered, disorganised and downright messy. 

This is my quest, my journey of discovery to a way to deal with and conquer the despair I have been feeling of late. I have been so down on myself and my superiors have not helped, 'If you can't cope then find another job!' I refuse to give up but know I have to begin a new journey and with God by my side I know I can succeed.

Join me as I take this exciting journey and pray with me that I can enjoy the 'sound mind' I have in God's promises.