It has taken a long time just to come to terms with this condition and for those of you who are Christians I have come to see it as a medical condition just like diabetes or heart problems. I believe God wants to heal me but in the meantime I will take medication and do all I can to understand and learn to cope with what can be very debilitating at times.
I was only correctly diagnosed at around 40 years of age but knew something was very wrong from about 35. It has taken until now to look more deeply into the intricacies of the disorder and begin to work out ways in which to deal with the associated issues rather than just the condition itself.
It takes time to come to an acceptance of this as part of me (No I'm not claiming it as mine) and it will take more time to work out ways to buffer the affects it has on my life. My life at home is aided by an amazing husband and family to such an extent that I don't even think about it most of the time. Work however is a completely different story.
Any mental illness is aggravated by stress and being a teacher this tends to come with the job. Now I don't mean the worrying kind of stress but stresses of deadlines, long hours, being very organised, student behaviour issues, never ending paperwork and generally not being able to keep up with the every growing demands. Teaching has changed dramatically since I started almost ten years ago, it has become less flexible, paperwork crazy and the expectations are at times just down right impossible to meet. Add to that my own expectations of what I want my classes to look like and how I want to teach and it makes for a very complex and emotional roller-coaster.
Some of you may say, "find yourself another job" and believe me I have thought of that but I don't want to do a job that is not meaningful, doesn't challenge me or use the giftings and talents I know God has given me. I know I am where God wants me to be for the moment so I need to begin to work out ways in which I can work efficiently alongside the challenges Bipolar disorder throws at me.
As a child I was always forgetful and began using lists to organise my thoughts and responsibilities in order to be efficient. I still use lists but am finding that it is not that simple when you are bombarded with a multitude of paperwork and marking, not to mention phone calls home, reporting, professional development .........
Anxiety, a feeling of hopelessness when dealing with so much paperwork, exhaustion, working far too many hours (at least ten a day at work, plus two hours at home a night and five hours on the weekend) means my thoughts are often cluttered, disorganised and downright messy.
This is my quest, my journey of discovery to a way to deal with and conquer the despair I have been feeling of late. I have been so down on myself and my superiors have not helped, 'If you can't cope then find another job!' I refuse to give up but know I have to begin a new journey and with God by my side I know I can succeed.
Join me as I take this exciting journey and pray with me that I can enjoy the 'sound mind' I have in God's promises.
