The weight of the matter

I bought myself a weekly planner this year not because I need another one as I have my phone and numerous other planners for work but because this one is called "Women, Food and God". Every week it has a comment or statement to think about and I am using it as a kind of journal in my attempt to come to terms with my general health and therefore my weight issue. Now I'm saying all of my health issues are weight related but at least some of them are and so need to be acknowledged.
Through the first 3 weeks of the year I have started to see my thoughts about food and eating for what they are the 'falsehoods' that I have believed from my childhood and into my adult life. What I think about food and the emotions it brings up in me are more of a issue than calorie counting will ever be. I mean I've done that and a myriad of other very successful things which have resulted in dramatic weight loss over the past 45 years (yes, my mother put me on a diet when I was 4!) I have a sister who besides eating exactly what I did as a child, did less exercise, played fewer sports and ate rubbish all the time never had a problem with weight, I however was never allowed 'Daddy treats' such as chip, chocolate or lollies instead I got magazines!
I sat down and looked at all the things that have and still do affect what and how I eat. The first realisation was that there were a lot of them so many in fact I kind of panicked to start with but here are just a few:

• Seeing food as the enemy (I know I shouldn't it is after all just food, all foods are good in moderation and it is the fuel of life). This came from my childhood and the prevailing attitude in our household - not blaming anyone, just stating facts.
• Using food as a reward (again I know I shouldn't and don't actually consciously do it but I know that whether I want to or not that is what I do). Chocolate as a pacifier when I was upset as a child started this but again I'm not blaming anyone.
• My feelings and food are intertwined, it is and for the most part always has been an obsession and has kept me prisoner whether on a diet or trying not to diet. The fact that to go on a diet I have to concentrate on food is not a good things as thinking about it puts me back at square one - dwelling on food. Meal planning becomes an obsession in itself! Ignoring what I am eating is sometimes a way of cutting off the strings that bind but how can I ignore it if I'm counting calories?
• Food issues and Bi-Polar disorder are bad company, mood and food are far too often linked.
• I'm tired of people thinking they have the right to 'inform' me of the rightness or wrongness of my food choices! For goodness sake I am an intelligent woman who has been a Weight Watchers consultant and knows more about food and nutrition than most people. But contrary to Government opinion 'Education' is not going to bring about food salvation for everyone. I know what to do, it's doing it that is the problem.
• My weight is not me! However it is so intrinsically wound up in what I believe about myself that it seems to have become me (without my permission). I cannot think about my life, self worth or future without referring to it.
• The weight issue is a serious inpediment to the deeper relationship I want to have with God! God needs to be number 1 not my worry about what size I am!
• Whether I want to admit it or not it is an issue in my relationship with my husband. He has never made a critical comment or told me what to do but I know there are things we can't do because I just cant do them and that makes me sad.

This is only a short list! But enough to show me that this is not an easy fix! In fact I am decided I am not going on another diet until I work this out. Maybe with a counsellor or psychologist etc but definitely with somebody as I can't do the standard thing anymore as I don't think I could take another ultimate failure. I always lose weight when I get serious but the food thing never actually goes away, one obsession gets buried by another until the first rears its ugly head.
So I'm putting my friends and family on notice, I am going to resolve this and this is the first step, making it public, giving myself no excuse but to act!

A quote from last week "What we believe about food and eating is an exquisite reflection of all our beliefs about ourselves. As soon as food comes out, the feelings come out, there is an inevitable recognition of the self inflicted violence and suffering that fuels any obsession. And on the heels of that recognition come the willingness to engage with and unwind the suffering rather than remain its prisoner"
Geneen Roth, "When food is love" Andrews McCleod, Missouri, 2011.

In my next post I'll outline the second step in my journey. Please feel free to comment and/or pray for me as I undertake what feels like the biggest assignment of my life. This is not a journey to be done alone....

Things you wished you had or hadn't said

Sometimes someone says something to you and you are so gobsmacked you don't know what to say. This happened to me the other day when a friend* told me my husband was a heretic. I mean just what can you say to a statement like that? I did ask why, but the answer was vague and not very specific saying they had investigated it thoroughly but had thrown away the evidence as they didn't want to cause a fuss! Even if I hadn't been struck dumb what could I have said anyway. "No he isn't" I mean there just isn't anything that would be adequate.
On the other hand I have said things I wish I hadn't or rather written emails I wish I hadn't. You know the sort of reaction to something that is really bugging you but then after some time you have a different perspective but can't take the email back.
I must admit I take things far too personally. I am overly emotional and although I'm much better than I used to be I still get upset when I know I shouldn't.
There's no use hiding it, I am very unsure of myself, not very confident in fact despite the fact that I know that I am more than capable in most areas of my life, that nagging doubt follows me around like an unwanted dog.
This poses problems when dealing with others who don't know me or don't know me very well. I am a talker and enjoy talking through problems or issues until we reach mutual understanding. I often ask those around me if I suspect there is a problem 'Have I done something to offend you', often it works as an ice breaker in a difficult circumstance but sometimes they look at me as if I've gone mad.
Getting to know people even new members of the family is very difficult when we live so far apart. The time we do spend together is so rushed and intense and often packed into a only a few days that long chats are just not possible.
So what is the answer, to speak or not to speak? I guess that is where wisdom comes in.
My prayer for 2012 is for wisdom, for the insight to know what the person is speaking out of: hurt, insecurity, personal experience, a bad day etc. There is no other way than to be led by the Holy Spirit.
So that is one of my goals for the year, to incline my ear to the Spirit and take his lead. Then I will hopefully have the right thing to say or just keep my mouth shut!

What would you have said to the heretic allegation?

50 years is a remarkable thing

Today marks my parents Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary, a feat which regrettably is not too common today. Cynics may say that they have stayed together out of convention, or comfortability, others may cite co-dependence but I know better.
Pam and Tom although both English have very little in common, other than parents that knew each other and the fact they are both only children. The Home Economics teacher without much self confidence and the sometimes troublemaker tradesman met and fell in love, somehow fulfilling a need in each other. Respect, admiration and love along with the common need to belong to someone and raise a family where love abounded brought this unlikely but very much in love pair together but did not erase the very real independence they both hold dear. This is expressed most days in very vocal differences of opinion which can be quite comical but which serve the real purpose of reminding each other they are still individuals. Totally devoted to each other they have grown together through financially hard times, parental relationship run ins (Pam's parents lived in a Granny flat at the back of their house), sickness, self willed teenagers, adult children woes and countless other situations that can bring couples closer together or drive a wedge between them. Constant sparks flying keeps the heat and intensity in their relationship which does not allow comfortability or convenience to creep in.
It has taken me a long time to understand the two of them and to be honest I'm still in the dark as to just how their relationship works but they have been a fine example of how two people can allow each other to grow in their own ways while still remaining intimately connected.
My husband and I will celebrate our Thirtieth Anniversary this year and despite having a very different relationship than my parents we know that it is partly thanks to their example of solidarity when times are tough that helped us push through hard times when giving up would have been easier.
So to Thomas Penlington and Pamela Kay Salt I want to say Congratulations, you have something and have reached a milestone that many people will never have. Together you have shown those around you that it is possible for two totally different people to live together without compromising self but also that two people can act as one to be victorious in love.
Nothing can beat that, nothing can stand against it, nothing not even separation can erase the love you have because it lives on inside of me and I am so glad it does.

                                         Happy Anniversary Mum and Dad