What I would like my future to hold

Change is inevitable, we can fight it or go along for the ride. Things that weren't important before suddenly seem imperative. Flowers for instance I want them everywhere now, Frangipani's especially but anything pretty is part of what I want in my world. Beauty, art, poetry, things that stir the God part of me, that appreciates his creation and creative ability. It's been a long time since I sat down and thought about what I actually want out of the rest of my life. I mean there are some things that go without saying such as:

• spend more time with family (goodness knows how since they are so far away)



• seeking God more often and with greater staying power, really studying the word maybe through a Bible College Masters programme



• Doing a Masters in Family Counselling is also on the horizon, I'm just not sure when but soon I hopecoming to some common ground with my husband over what we want to do and where we want to do it for the next 20 years



• discovering the talents I know I have but have never explored (whether craft, writing, dreaming, activating my passions or just living life the way I always dreamed I would



• making some decisions on how I'm going to put those plans into action

That is not to say I am unhappy, restless or 'trying to find myself'. I don't have a 'bucket list' nor do I crave one off experiences. I'd like to do some travelling but have no ideal place I've dreamed of for years. I have no desire to live out of a suitcase for 6 months. A new house would be nice, one with character, a small but usable garden area and outside undercover area (maybe even a pool). I don't want anything bigger in fact something smaller but with usable versatile space would be great. But all of these fade in comparison for what I want for Stephen and I as we grow old together gracefully. I want purpose, the kind of unhurried satisfaction of doing God's will His way and not mine. To be a natural evangelist whose career encompasses caring for people. I don't want wads of cash, in fact I find I'm more creative and satisfied when I have to use my creative skills rather than just buy what I want when I want it. I'd like to be able to look after my mum and dad in their old age even when it seems unlikely as we are definitely not moving to Adelaide and I doubt Dad would agree to move up here. Building my relationship with my brother and his children, finding my sister even if it is to let her know I've not forgotten her (I'm not naive enough to think I will necessarily be welcome).

To make some new friends to fill my need to give and receive, someone who will be honest with me, a true friend who doesn't beat around the bush but understands my motives. A career I love, that I can pour myself into but leave at work. Pipe dreams some may say, but nobody did anything without dreaming and working towards it. I never thought in my wildest dreams until into my late 40's that I would be teaching High School. When I was first married I could never have imagined doing 2 degrees, working as an ESL/EFL teacher at Griffith University or visiting Japan teaching english twice. My life has taken many turns, some great and exciting, some painful and a hard slog but they are all a part of me and make up the sum of my being. God has never been hidden although at times I didn't even bother to look for Him. It is I who have stretched the elastic so far I lost sight of who I am and who I belong to.

So I put this down as a testament to my thought patterns, desires, interests I'd like to pursue and necessary changes I need to make.You'll notice I haven't mentioned weight or diet or exercise or diabetes or bipolar or psoriatic arthritis or a dodgy immune system. They are being healed slowly cell by cell and are in God's control, I do what I need to but I'm not going to spend precious time fretting over things that ultimately I cannot change other than slow purposeful actions.

What happened?

I was thinking tonight as I pondered the cleaning up I would have to do before family comes to visit, 'what happened to the old me?'. For the first 12 years or so of marriage my house of immaculate. Not just tidy, but thoroughly and completely clean all the time. I was at home for most of that time I must confess but I had a passion for a clean and tidy house, a place for everything and everything in its place. Even with 3 children under 5 I was super mum when it came to house work, craft, cooking and sewing. Then life happened.

I began to wonder when I lost this passion, was it when I first became ill, or started work or university for the 2nd time, was it while away looking after my brother and nephews when his wife died? I can't remember a time or day just a complete shift in how I spend my time.

It's not as if I don't love a clean and tidy house or I hate housework as such, it just doesn't have the same urgency that it used to. I feel stuck in a never ending cycle of shifting things to make the house presentable and then not being able to find them again. Then giving up because it all seems too much and I don't know where to start.

Now my life is getting back to some kind of normality this problem is going to have to be on my priority list. Not because I'm house proud, I'm definitely not, if I'm going to do it for anyone it will be for me but because I want that satisfaction back, the feeling I had when I could look around and feel the pleasure of a organised, well kept home.

I'll probably have to put my foot down when it comes to some of my better halfs belongings which I think are for outside but which are now inside and I know I want some more cupboards, shelves, containers etc to put things in but finding these can be enjoyable too.

A sewing table set up for me to work at when I feel like it, room in the study to work a place to relax and read away from the TV are all areas I would like in the house and now we have no one at home we should be able to do that.

So here's to a new life, new organisation, new outlook the new/old me!

Doctors

I have an amazing doctor and because I have an overabundance of medical conditions that need attention I know my doctor very well. I am also an advocate of people having a family doctor as it reaps the rewards of much better continuity of care, plus not having to explain the same things to different doctors every time you visit.



However the problem with finding a really good doctor is when they are good you can't get an appointment without waiting at least a week. Same goes for a clinic full of good doctors, you can't see anyone for days.



Now I go to a clinic that does not bulk bill without a concession card so you would think that it would be easier to get an appointment with your doctor of choice but no I'm afraid it isn't.



Now my suggestion is that if you're a medical clinic who has very popular doctors and patients that don't want to go somewhere else for those emergencies like: a migraine, a boil that needs lancing, very bad tonsillitis (that won't last a week before antibiotics) etc.. then they should have a doctor who just does clinic member emergencies. It would work like a 24 hr clinic where first in is first served but at least the assigned doctor would have your medical records on hand, you can attend the same centre, records would be kept for your usual doctor and if there is a problem they could consult them.



I have often seen other doctors for emergencies but today after I was told they didn't have an appointment for an excision of 2 very bad boils they said I would have to wait until next week! Next week, I can't move now and am on strong pain killers, what will I be like by next week.



I know I shouldn't complain as many people in the world don't have a chance to see any doctors. I am grateful for the amazing medical technology and professional competent doctors in this country, but it seems ridiculous that I now have to go and get a stranger to lance a boil at a 24 hr clinic where I'll have to line up for goodness knows how long to get a procedure that should be part of a clinic's service.



Am I expecting too much, if I'm willing to pay to see a doctor shouldn't I be able to get an appointment without waiting a week. Should doctors have cut off numbers of patients so they can see their regular patients when they need them. I know that to make money they need to have a wide client base but since there are 9 doctors at my clinic not being able to see anyone for a week seems ridiculous.



Anyway that's my gripe for today. It looks like I'll have to suffer in silence (on strong pain killers) stay off work and try to hang on until they either burst or drive me round the bend.

Money is one thing but health is another, if you have health but no money you are blessed, because without health you can't enjoy the money.