A dog's life!

This morning we had to take our dog, Merlin to the vet due to a sore hind leg which had progressed to a significant limp over a few weeks. Now Merlin hates going to the vet, in fact Merlin hates going in the car  despite the fact that most of the journeys he makes in it are positive ones, he always reverts back to the trip to the vet or the dog kennels where he stays while we are away. 
Forget the trips to the beach or drives to a big park where he can run and play, his sole focus in the car is escaping from the awful thing that 'might' happen. 

While we were waiting to go in a man arrived with a very tiny chiwawa puppy that had been rescued after being left for dead after being burnt in a terrible accident. The pup was so small it fitted into the palm of my hand but despite her size she was very feisty. Merlin took a sniff and when she yapped at him he ran away in fright refusing to return for a more lengthy meet and greet. We all laughed at his cowardice but when I returned home I started thinking about Merlin's reactions to the mornings proceedings; he like us, often chooses to only remember the negative things about situations rather than being open to a surprise or a confirmation that something positive is going to happen. Just like him we run away from something new even when it is so small it can't possibly do us any harm. His decision to hide behind Stephen rather than investigate further mirrors our response to the 'new' things in life we weren't expecting. We tell others 'it was such a shock', 'it will take time to get used to' or 'I'll never get the hang of it' rather than seeing an opportunity for growth or a new perspective. 
Just because the car ride does sometimes mean something unpleasant doesn't mean it always does. Why waste the energy fretting, sighing and crying before you are sure. Merlin got himself so flustered that when he didn't have to have any injections and it all ended with a treat he looked totally amazed. All that panic (slobber, whining, scratched legs and very loud car ride) for nothing. 
Don't be like Merlin embrace the day even if it contains an unknown quantity, for the unknown may just turn out to be the pleasant surprise we weren't expecting.

Perfect Peace

Profound stillness, peace that passes all understanding, calm in the midst of a storm, these are the times that the still small voice of God resonates within. It doesn't need to be quiet around us as it is rare that at the time we need this peace that our lives are calm but we do need to make the choice to shut our eyes and take a moment to dwell in peace. 
Just as a child who has spent the day madly running around suddenly feels the urge to climb up in your lap and rest a while, so too we need to find God's lap and drink in of his reassurance and peace. 
In a time when I should be able to rest I am faced with seemingly almost no spare time. Even though I am on 'holidays' unfinished work beckons, much neglected house work that cannot wait another term and unfinished projects I've been promising myself I would finish all confront my so called 'holiday'. Nevertheless this morning I choose to make time to sit a spell and just be. It will still be there once I am at rest, the time out will not consume my day but it will make the day ahead bearable, more manageable and less frenetic. 
Peace is not found in navel gazing or an enforced sense of order but in the choice to view my world through God's eyes; seeing myself, my roles in life as He sees it. Knowing I am more than what I do! First and foremost I am a child of God, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend; my role as a teacher needs to submit to these rather than the other way round. Only then will I find true peace.
God's way is not meant to complicate our lives with ritual but bring order out of chaos, peace out of turmoil, satisfaction out of frustration. In the past ignoring what I needed to do in order to try to relax during my time off has resulted in a restless, forced peace which is not peace at all. 
Today I will determine to allow God's peace to consume me, infiltrate my being and bring that stillness from the 'Prince of Peace' that I so badly need. I've thrown away my schedule but kept my list, ticking off as I go along the things I have to do, however on that list are peaceful pursuits, pleasant activities, exercise and 'retail therapy' and not only the 'tasks' that need doing.

Restoring order to my work life

As some of you might know I have a condition called Bipolar disorder. There are a few different types but I have the one where the Depressive and Manic states change quite rapidly and do not come in long cycles. This is a blessing in some ways but it also creates problems because people do not understand why my mood can switch so often and so rapidly.

It has taken a long time just to come to terms with this condition and for those of you who are Christians I have come to see it as a medical condition just like diabetes or heart problems. I believe God wants to heal me but in the meantime I will take medication and do all I can to understand and learn to cope with what can be very debilitating at times.

I was only correctly diagnosed at around 40 years of age but knew something was very wrong from about 35. It has taken until now to look more deeply into the intricacies of the disorder and begin to work out ways in which to deal with the associated issues rather than just the condition itself.

It takes time to come to an acceptance of this as part of me (No I'm not claiming it as mine) and it will take more time to work out ways to buffer the affects it has on my life. My life at home is aided by an amazing husband and family to such an extent that I don't even think about it most of the time. Work however is a completely different story.

Any mental illness is aggravated by stress and being a teacher this tends to come with the job. Now I don't mean the worrying kind of stress but stresses of deadlines, long hours, being very organised, student behaviour issues, never ending paperwork and generally not being able to keep up with the every growing demands. Teaching has changed dramatically since I started almost ten years ago, it has become less flexible, paperwork crazy and the expectations are at times just down right impossible to meet. Add to that my own expectations of what I want my classes to look like and how I want to teach and it makes for a very complex and emotional roller-coaster.

Some of you may say, "find yourself another job" and believe me I have thought of that but I don't want to do a job that is not meaningful, doesn't challenge me or use the giftings and talents I know God has given me. I know I am where God wants me to be for the moment so I need to begin to work out ways in which I can work efficiently alongside the challenges Bipolar disorder throws at me. 

As a child I was always forgetful and began using lists to organise my thoughts and responsibilities in order to be efficient. I still use lists but am finding that it is not that simple when you are bombarded with a multitude of paperwork and marking, not to mention phone calls home, reporting, professional development .........

Anxiety, a feeling of hopelessness when dealing with so much paperwork, exhaustion, working far too many hours (at least ten a day at work, plus two hours at home a night and five hours on the weekend) means my thoughts are often cluttered, disorganised and downright messy. 

This is my quest, my journey of discovery to a way to deal with and conquer the despair I have been feeling of late. I have been so down on myself and my superiors have not helped, 'If you can't cope then find another job!' I refuse to give up but know I have to begin a new journey and with God by my side I know I can succeed.

Join me as I take this exciting journey and pray with me that I can enjoy the 'sound mind' I have in God's promises.

To attend or not to attend?

I am a passionate teacher I want all my students to learn, to benefit from the choices an education can bring. I know they are not all going to be scholars but so many of them are bright intelligent students who are using the excuse of 'I'm dumb' to justify their disinterest. 


For a teacher it is hard to fathom why students who have so much offered to them can waste the opportunity of an education.  


By choosing not to attend school or attending spasmodically they are literally thumbing their noses at an opportunity to have the skills to fight for the life they want for themselves. If the school only offered academic pathways I could understand the rebellion but our school offers trade, technical, hospitality, computer and academic pathways in a number of different formats. TAFE is only next door and traineeships, apprenticeships and other forms of learning are offered from Grade 10. 


Parents do not enforce attendance and often make excuses for students who do not attend regularly. This is a problem across the spectrum of cultures and ethnicity but especially for our Indigenous students. 


Time off for family events is acceptable but usually non attendance is the result of students who can't get out of bed in time or want to hang out with mates during the day. 
There are numerous extra curricular activities that focus on indigenous and other cultural interests and an ever expanding litany of helps for literacy empowerment. Payment options for school textbooks are offered and not taken up so many students don't even have the basic tools necessary for learning. Others have the materials but don't bring them to school.


I know the jadedness that some indigenous people feel when dealing with a 'white' centred system but I'm stumped at what else we could possibly do. The school offers Indigenous studies, Indigenous history and many pathways for students to continue on into careers where they could work with their own culture as well as opportunities in other areas. 
So what is the answer? I have no idea. I have spent most of this year teaching various genres of Indigenous literature and texts in year 8 & 9 and the majority of non attendees are Indigenous. 


Contact with parents is almost impossible as many do not answer phone calls or return calls. Very few come to parent-teacher interviews despite arrangements for an indigenous community worker to be present if they wish. 

Health is such a wonderful thing!

Like everything else in life we often don't realise just how blessed we are until something is taken away from us. However right now I can't remember the last time I was in good health. So another diagnosis of something serious was a kick in the guts to be perfectly honest. Now that's not a whinge or complaint just a fact of life for me over most of the past 49 years.
I have been a Christian since I was 18 and have always believed in God's healing power for me. However that doesn't take away the physical facts that I have had 6 major operations for disfunctioning body parts, 8 operations for cysts and abcesses in places I don't want to mention, have scarred lungs, asthma, bi-polar disorder, get migraine headaches, have psoriatic arthritis (a kind of rheumotoid arthritis) and now another diagnosis of something nasty. 
On many occassions God has given me the strength to endure pain and to keep going when I didn't think I could. I have achieved a great deal in my life despite the debilitation that these health problems have caused. God has used me in many instances in speaking into the lives of people who are struggling with health issues and has used me to bring His healing to their bodies.
But I had a sudden feeling of being totally overwhelmed when my doctor gave me the news that I was a diabetic not long ago. I sat down and howled, not because of the diabetes but I suppose because I felt it was another blow to my already battered body. The diabetes was not a complete surprise but as I had been fighting to make sure it didn't happen I was very disappointed. Many of the other health complaints, complications, effects on my body and subsequent medication has not done my cause any good.
Now before anyone comments I am not resigned to be ill the rest of my life nor am I accepting sickness as my lot. I believe God has healed all our diseases when his Son died for us, but I do know that the evidence of that healing may not always be apparent or the healing may not come straight away. I love that my christian friends can believe with me for my total healing and also understand why those who do not know God might find my attitude just a little strange.
At times however I must admit, I'm not perfect. Sometimes I have a pity party, sometimes I just break down and cry but most of the time I just get up and keep going because I don't have a choice. I can't quit on life or hope because I know that both are precious gifts from God, but some days are easier than others.
I have stood on prayer lines, prayed and fasted, learned all I could about healing and am open to whatever God wants to do. The problem often isn't me but other people (yes the Christians). They range from the 'don't even say the name of the illness because that means you have accepted it' to 'It's all a matter of faith dear, just believe and you will be healed, if not you don't have enough faith' or even the opposite 'we all have our crosses to bare'.

So what's a girl to do you may ask? Well she keeps going even when she falls down, she ignores ignorant comments, she makes the most of when she does feel well and listens to the encouragement that many of the people in my life give.
I am not a hyperchondriac although some may think so, nor am I a drama queen. In actual fact I don't think most people who know me realise how really sick I am but it doesn't matter anyway as God knows me, He looks after me, He is with me whatever I face. He doesn't want me sick I know that, He doesn't make me sick to learn something I know that too and as to why? I don't know, I've researched theological texts, done healing schools and have seen people healed by God as I have layed my hands on them. I know God heals! As for me I am a child of God who has every right to claim my healing and expect it. I continue to do so regardless of what people think or say.
I am healed through the stripes Christ bore for my diseases, just as surely as I am saved by His death on the cross. Nothing will ever make me believe otherwise.
So if I look down sometimes or am having a day where I need to talk things through don't be fooled I am not beaten, just gathering my boldness and strength to take on whatever Satan throws at me. The good news is I win, in the end I know I win and my body will be whole and without blemish in Heaven.

The lowest of lows :'(

No I' m not talking about me but someone close to me who has hit rock bottom. No where else to go but up. Oh but how it hurts, what regret & sorrow for mistakes made, things left undone or unsaid. A life which had such promise but now at 40 is a mess! He is not the only one to blame but if you allow others to control your life then you invite disaster! You cannot be who you are not even for someone you love because in the end keeping up the pretence is exhausting and substance abuse follows dragging you down even further. The person who you were pretending for then deserts you and you are left alone and friendless. So called christian friends find you embarrassing so they stop calling and you are in the pit of despair. BUT GOD! Oh those beautiful two words, that bring hope and comfort. God doesn't put conditions on His help, we just need to ask! Swallow our pride or what's left of it and cry out to God. psalm 109 v21-28 is David's lament & should be ours too. Dear friends if you are reading this then I pray that when someone around you hits rock bottom, don't run, be Jesus to that person, I'm not talking about enabling bad behaviour but I am saying be Christ to them. Love unconditionally with care & compassion. Encourage even when it seems hopeless, you may be the one thing that draws them back to God. It is all too easy to have a They've made their bed so let them lie in it attitude but do you really think that is what Christ would do? Be strong for them, be their eyes when all they can see is despair, gently remind them to look up for then they can see God. For there by the grace of God go you or I. Nobody is perfect or without sin. Sin is sin no matter what it is!

Sleep, sleep, sleep

Now I know women of a certain age seem to blame everything on menopause but I really think that it is the cause of my sleeplessness. I am waking up boiling hot and then not being able to get back to sleep. Even getting to sleep when I'm dead tired is impossible lately. I go to bed and lie there for about 30 minutes at which stage I get up and do something until I'm so tired I can't see properly and only then can I seem to drift off into dream land. Does anyone have any suggestions. I've tried herbal remedies, hot milk, earlier bed times, later bed times, a hot shower before going to bed, reading in bed, not reading in bed and nothing seems to work. Am I going cuckoo or is menopause really to blame? Tell me what you think people as I'm beginning to see stars during the day as I'm so tired when I have to wake up! Help (^o^)

The weight of the matter

I bought myself a weekly planner this year not because I need another one as I have my phone and numerous other planners for work but because this one is called "Women, Food and God". Every week it has a comment or statement to think about and I am using it as a kind of journal in my attempt to come to terms with my general health and therefore my weight issue. Now I'm saying all of my health issues are weight related but at least some of them are and so need to be acknowledged.
Through the first 3 weeks of the year I have started to see my thoughts about food and eating for what they are the 'falsehoods' that I have believed from my childhood and into my adult life. What I think about food and the emotions it brings up in me are more of a issue than calorie counting will ever be. I mean I've done that and a myriad of other very successful things which have resulted in dramatic weight loss over the past 45 years (yes, my mother put me on a diet when I was 4!) I have a sister who besides eating exactly what I did as a child, did less exercise, played fewer sports and ate rubbish all the time never had a problem with weight, I however was never allowed 'Daddy treats' such as chip, chocolate or lollies instead I got magazines!
I sat down and looked at all the things that have and still do affect what and how I eat. The first realisation was that there were a lot of them so many in fact I kind of panicked to start with but here are just a few:

• Seeing food as the enemy (I know I shouldn't it is after all just food, all foods are good in moderation and it is the fuel of life). This came from my childhood and the prevailing attitude in our household - not blaming anyone, just stating facts.
• Using food as a reward (again I know I shouldn't and don't actually consciously do it but I know that whether I want to or not that is what I do). Chocolate as a pacifier when I was upset as a child started this but again I'm not blaming anyone.
• My feelings and food are intertwined, it is and for the most part always has been an obsession and has kept me prisoner whether on a diet or trying not to diet. The fact that to go on a diet I have to concentrate on food is not a good things as thinking about it puts me back at square one - dwelling on food. Meal planning becomes an obsession in itself! Ignoring what I am eating is sometimes a way of cutting off the strings that bind but how can I ignore it if I'm counting calories?
• Food issues and Bi-Polar disorder are bad company, mood and food are far too often linked.
• I'm tired of people thinking they have the right to 'inform' me of the rightness or wrongness of my food choices! For goodness sake I am an intelligent woman who has been a Weight Watchers consultant and knows more about food and nutrition than most people. But contrary to Government opinion 'Education' is not going to bring about food salvation for everyone. I know what to do, it's doing it that is the problem.
• My weight is not me! However it is so intrinsically wound up in what I believe about myself that it seems to have become me (without my permission). I cannot think about my life, self worth or future without referring to it.
• The weight issue is a serious inpediment to the deeper relationship I want to have with God! God needs to be number 1 not my worry about what size I am!
• Whether I want to admit it or not it is an issue in my relationship with my husband. He has never made a critical comment or told me what to do but I know there are things we can't do because I just cant do them and that makes me sad.

This is only a short list! But enough to show me that this is not an easy fix! In fact I am decided I am not going on another diet until I work this out. Maybe with a counsellor or psychologist etc but definitely with somebody as I can't do the standard thing anymore as I don't think I could take another ultimate failure. I always lose weight when I get serious but the food thing never actually goes away, one obsession gets buried by another until the first rears its ugly head.
So I'm putting my friends and family on notice, I am going to resolve this and this is the first step, making it public, giving myself no excuse but to act!

A quote from last week "What we believe about food and eating is an exquisite reflection of all our beliefs about ourselves. As soon as food comes out, the feelings come out, there is an inevitable recognition of the self inflicted violence and suffering that fuels any obsession. And on the heels of that recognition come the willingness to engage with and unwind the suffering rather than remain its prisoner"
Geneen Roth, "When food is love" Andrews McCleod, Missouri, 2011.

In my next post I'll outline the second step in my journey. Please feel free to comment and/or pray for me as I undertake what feels like the biggest assignment of my life. This is not a journey to be done alone....

Things you wished you had or hadn't said

Sometimes someone says something to you and you are so gobsmacked you don't know what to say. This happened to me the other day when a friend* told me my husband was a heretic. I mean just what can you say to a statement like that? I did ask why, but the answer was vague and not very specific saying they had investigated it thoroughly but had thrown away the evidence as they didn't want to cause a fuss! Even if I hadn't been struck dumb what could I have said anyway. "No he isn't" I mean there just isn't anything that would be adequate.
On the other hand I have said things I wish I hadn't or rather written emails I wish I hadn't. You know the sort of reaction to something that is really bugging you but then after some time you have a different perspective but can't take the email back.
I must admit I take things far too personally. I am overly emotional and although I'm much better than I used to be I still get upset when I know I shouldn't.
There's no use hiding it, I am very unsure of myself, not very confident in fact despite the fact that I know that I am more than capable in most areas of my life, that nagging doubt follows me around like an unwanted dog.
This poses problems when dealing with others who don't know me or don't know me very well. I am a talker and enjoy talking through problems or issues until we reach mutual understanding. I often ask those around me if I suspect there is a problem 'Have I done something to offend you', often it works as an ice breaker in a difficult circumstance but sometimes they look at me as if I've gone mad.
Getting to know people even new members of the family is very difficult when we live so far apart. The time we do spend together is so rushed and intense and often packed into a only a few days that long chats are just not possible.
So what is the answer, to speak or not to speak? I guess that is where wisdom comes in.
My prayer for 2012 is for wisdom, for the insight to know what the person is speaking out of: hurt, insecurity, personal experience, a bad day etc. There is no other way than to be led by the Holy Spirit.
So that is one of my goals for the year, to incline my ear to the Spirit and take his lead. Then I will hopefully have the right thing to say or just keep my mouth shut!

What would you have said to the heretic allegation?

50 years is a remarkable thing

Today marks my parents Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary, a feat which regrettably is not too common today. Cynics may say that they have stayed together out of convention, or comfortability, others may cite co-dependence but I know better.
Pam and Tom although both English have very little in common, other than parents that knew each other and the fact they are both only children. The Home Economics teacher without much self confidence and the sometimes troublemaker tradesman met and fell in love, somehow fulfilling a need in each other. Respect, admiration and love along with the common need to belong to someone and raise a family where love abounded brought this unlikely but very much in love pair together but did not erase the very real independence they both hold dear. This is expressed most days in very vocal differences of opinion which can be quite comical but which serve the real purpose of reminding each other they are still individuals. Totally devoted to each other they have grown together through financially hard times, parental relationship run ins (Pam's parents lived in a Granny flat at the back of their house), sickness, self willed teenagers, adult children woes and countless other situations that can bring couples closer together or drive a wedge between them. Constant sparks flying keeps the heat and intensity in their relationship which does not allow comfortability or convenience to creep in.
It has taken me a long time to understand the two of them and to be honest I'm still in the dark as to just how their relationship works but they have been a fine example of how two people can allow each other to grow in their own ways while still remaining intimately connected.
My husband and I will celebrate our Thirtieth Anniversary this year and despite having a very different relationship than my parents we know that it is partly thanks to their example of solidarity when times are tough that helped us push through hard times when giving up would have been easier.
So to Thomas Penlington and Pamela Kay Salt I want to say Congratulations, you have something and have reached a milestone that many people will never have. Together you have shown those around you that it is possible for two totally different people to live together without compromising self but also that two people can act as one to be victorious in love.
Nothing can beat that, nothing can stand against it, nothing not even separation can erase the love you have because it lives on inside of me and I am so glad it does.

                                         Happy Anniversary Mum and Dad