The weight of the matter

I bought myself a weekly planner this year not because I need another one as I have my phone and numerous other planners for work but because this one is called "Women, Food and God". Every week it has a comment or statement to think about and I am using it as a kind of journal in my attempt to come to terms with my general health and therefore my weight issue. Now I'm saying all of my health issues are weight related but at least some of them are and so need to be acknowledged.
Through the first 3 weeks of the year I have started to see my thoughts about food and eating for what they are the 'falsehoods' that I have believed from my childhood and into my adult life. What I think about food and the emotions it brings up in me are more of a issue than calorie counting will ever be. I mean I've done that and a myriad of other very successful things which have resulted in dramatic weight loss over the past 45 years (yes, my mother put me on a diet when I was 4!) I have a sister who besides eating exactly what I did as a child, did less exercise, played fewer sports and ate rubbish all the time never had a problem with weight, I however was never allowed 'Daddy treats' such as chip, chocolate or lollies instead I got magazines!
I sat down and looked at all the things that have and still do affect what and how I eat. The first realisation was that there were a lot of them so many in fact I kind of panicked to start with but here are just a few:

• Seeing food as the enemy (I know I shouldn't it is after all just food, all foods are good in moderation and it is the fuel of life). This came from my childhood and the prevailing attitude in our household - not blaming anyone, just stating facts.
• Using food as a reward (again I know I shouldn't and don't actually consciously do it but I know that whether I want to or not that is what I do). Chocolate as a pacifier when I was upset as a child started this but again I'm not blaming anyone.
• My feelings and food are intertwined, it is and for the most part always has been an obsession and has kept me prisoner whether on a diet or trying not to diet. The fact that to go on a diet I have to concentrate on food is not a good things as thinking about it puts me back at square one - dwelling on food. Meal planning becomes an obsession in itself! Ignoring what I am eating is sometimes a way of cutting off the strings that bind but how can I ignore it if I'm counting calories?
• Food issues and Bi-Polar disorder are bad company, mood and food are far too often linked.
• I'm tired of people thinking they have the right to 'inform' me of the rightness or wrongness of my food choices! For goodness sake I am an intelligent woman who has been a Weight Watchers consultant and knows more about food and nutrition than most people. But contrary to Government opinion 'Education' is not going to bring about food salvation for everyone. I know what to do, it's doing it that is the problem.
• My weight is not me! However it is so intrinsically wound up in what I believe about myself that it seems to have become me (without my permission). I cannot think about my life, self worth or future without referring to it.
• The weight issue is a serious inpediment to the deeper relationship I want to have with God! God needs to be number 1 not my worry about what size I am!
• Whether I want to admit it or not it is an issue in my relationship with my husband. He has never made a critical comment or told me what to do but I know there are things we can't do because I just cant do them and that makes me sad.

This is only a short list! But enough to show me that this is not an easy fix! In fact I am decided I am not going on another diet until I work this out. Maybe with a counsellor or psychologist etc but definitely with somebody as I can't do the standard thing anymore as I don't think I could take another ultimate failure. I always lose weight when I get serious but the food thing never actually goes away, one obsession gets buried by another until the first rears its ugly head.
So I'm putting my friends and family on notice, I am going to resolve this and this is the first step, making it public, giving myself no excuse but to act!

A quote from last week "What we believe about food and eating is an exquisite reflection of all our beliefs about ourselves. As soon as food comes out, the feelings come out, there is an inevitable recognition of the self inflicted violence and suffering that fuels any obsession. And on the heels of that recognition come the willingness to engage with and unwind the suffering rather than remain its prisoner"
Geneen Roth, "When food is love" Andrews McCleod, Missouri, 2011.

In my next post I'll outline the second step in my journey. Please feel free to comment and/or pray for me as I undertake what feels like the biggest assignment of my life. This is not a journey to be done alone....